Welcome to the Space that always is…

New Carma…

It is amazing what Spirit has in store. I visited my Hyundai this am before work. She is in a deep coma. Remnants of a exploratory  surgery were all over her inner compartments. The IV tubes had been pulled out. No artificial respiration, yet somehow she kept breathing on her own, though her consciousness was in the car-god abyss.

You see my mechanic Calvin and his workers  put a new timing belt on. Then they tested compression in the valves. Number one was gone. Heart attack with open heart surgery, single bypass required and no insurance— 2500.00 dollars, more than the car is worth. More than I have handy as well.

Then, suddenly I found myself with a new van. A 1987 dodge caravan with 113,000 miles (less than the 2008 Hyundai). A gift from my client. I was so touched by their generosity. Spirit decided on a big car switch, from hare roadster, to tortoise van.

That’s cool! Whatever will be will be.

Soon a ‘mechanic special’ will be posted on Craigslist, so that a few extra dollars can be extracted from my old girl. I know, thinking of money at a time like this. After all my former partner is still in a coma.

And here I am, selling off her vital parts to the highest bidder!


Bad Carma…

It surely has been an interesting 24 hours. Hallucinatory chess with my client Lloyd.

At one point, Lloyd stared at the board much like a grandmaster would, a pillar of incredible concentration. Then he attempt to take a new piece out of his pocket and place it on the table, giving himself a new queen, I suppose.

“What are you doing, Lloyd? I said. He smiled, benignly, almost as if seeing the absurdity of what he had just done:

“You are incredibly patient.” I smiled.

“Well, thanks Lloyd. I get a small sense of what you must be going through.” Lloyd, unmoved by his increasing confusion and hallucinatory bouts, even wanted, as he said: ‘another crack at chess’- as if he may be able to prove himself in the next game. Some misguided hope that in this new game, some brain clarity my magically return. I always try to angle our games towards a draw, via perpetual check or repetition of the same moves 3 times. Sometimes I resign and show him how it is futile for me to continue.

“You see Lloyd, you have me!” I confess.

As I was readying to leave, Lloyd needed one more bathroom run. All day bathroom excursions had been taken via wheelchair but Lloyd decided that it was ‘walker time’.

He is so unsteady on his walker now that I keep my hand on his low back and am ready to catch him at a moment’s notice.

He snailed it towards the bathroom, like a sleeping tortoise.

By the time he arrived, apparently, urinary movement was immanent.

I did not know this.

I helped him get his pants down and advised him that he needed to turn towards the toilet or sit down. He did neither. He began peeing on the floor and against the side wall of the bathroom.

“Lloyd, Lloyd, no!” I said and inwardly ‘Oh, shit’. “You, you are peeing on the floor!” I exclaimed to no avail.

He just kept peeing.

It was like he was in a hallucinatory trance. Finally Lloyd, not quite done with his pee session, declared matter-of-factly:

“I use to live on a farm.” I smiled deep in an inner chuckle before Lloyd finished with:

“This is how we did it on the farm.” Okay Lloyd, as you will.

Lloyd then tried, against my utterly worthless objections, to put TP down to soak up the pool of urine, then patting it down with his house slippers.

Oh Lord!

Morning came with only a small relief from incessant nausea, brain fog and inability to sleep. Time for the mechanic.

No not for me, for my car!

You see, when my father died 3 years ago, my car a 1999 Toyota Corolla was as they say ‘on the fritz’–fast approaching 250,000 miles. So mom, some months after dad passed on, got a new car, and gave both of her other cars away to family members. My gift, was a free, 6 year old, 2007 Hyundai Accent. She has been a great car.  Until recently, no problems, then a recent string of maintenance events occurred: new front brakes and rotors, a frozen lug nut, and a bent rim (grazed a boulder from a recent slide on a country road descent).

Then it was time for the back brakes this am. I was driving on highway with my mechanic’s son, Dan. He wanted to hear the sound I had told them about before looking at my rear brakes (that needed replacement). We could not hear a thing. It was like the noise gods were napping. Then, it happened. Whoof. POOF! Followed by an instant loss of compression and ability to accelerate. Gas smell. I coasted to the side of  highway. My mechanic’s son (a mechanic himself) said:

“Let me drive.” We switched and he coasted the car along the frontage downhill (we had gravity on our son, heading west towards the ocean). We got up to 45 mph, and he merged on to main highway in commuter traffic, navigated through some tight areas and managed to have enough ‘coast’ to make it to a property management parking lot on the side of Ocean Street, just officially into Santa Cruz proper!

Safe spot.

He could walk back half a mile to work over one of the San Lorenzo river bridges and I could call AAA for a tow to their auto shop.

With an hour wait on my hands and my own urinary engine ready, I dashed into the nearby woods. Number two would be a bit more challenging. First: a half mile walk to a small shopping center adjacent the San Lorenzo River. Stop number one Pet Smart. Bathroom closed for repairs. Then to Ross, bathroom inoperative. Okay, let’s try Office Max. Bathroom closed. I asked some nearby employees:

“Is the bathroom closed to prevent homeless from using it or is it really closed.

“I think it is really closed.” What?! This was code for, ‘we are not gonna tell ya’.

“Well, what bathroom do you guys use.” No answer.

“Such bullshit!” I said, before walking to the exit.

I finally bought something at a nearby coffee shop so I could use the bathroom.

As I was walking back with a greek grub breakfast burrito, that I did not want (gluten), was not hungry for, I passed a homeless man getting out of his nearby tent. He was happy to have a warm breakfast burrito.

Minutes after I got back to my car, the AAA tow driver, Mark, arrived. A 40-year veteran with a brand new 2018 truck.

“What seems to be the problem he said.

I described the vehicular maelstrom that had ensued. Instantly he injects:

“Timing belt.”

“Let me listen to the sound when we try to turn it over?” He says. He turns the key and hears the sound.

“Timing belt.” Yep, that’s it for sure.

“Wow, how did you know that. Are you a mechanic, too?!

“No, 40 years as a tow truck driver.”

He was right.

My mechanic Calvin is having one of his guys tear down the engine to get to the belt. It takes a couple of hours or so. If driving at high speed when the timing belt breaks, worse odds of major engine damage. It is possible that once a new belt is put on, the car will be okay. We shall see in the coming times.

I am not in charge of this divine drama, just a participant, a character in the movie. All I can do is surrender and play my part well.

There’s not much to do: Love all beings and know what I am at the most essential level. Very simple!

Recently I had an uplifting phone conversation with my dear friend Terry, a Lutheran Pastor who lives in North Carolina. He caught me in the afternoon, after many hours immersed in deep meditation and contemplation. An illness-induced, stay-at- home day where I used all my spare time to be in the Beloved Presence.

Terry and I have a great time communing, with humorous exchanges, lots of laughter and always, always an emphasis on Spirit. But during this exchange, there was a magnified chemistry and shared love of Christ. At one point during our discussion, I was revealing insight gleaned from the ongoing, chronic illness experience:

“Well, Terry.” I paused. “This illness has brought a deeper surrender. I’ve been barely able to function many times, not able to work on some days, not knowing how rent would be paid and magically money would appear. It’s happened in so many ways.  This deepens faith!”

Terry responded:

“You’ve really come into Christ.”

It was true and my word choices were effortlessly falling in alignment with authentic Christian values. My expression more acceptable, in most cases, even to those with conservative religious views.

Terry and I first met in 2001, in Utah’s Heber Valley, before vast swaths of horse pasture and open space farmland turned this little village community, once nicknamed ‘little Switzerland’ into a mini-metropolis after the 2002 Winter Olympics swept in.

With newly acquired townhouses set in a quiet and still rural development, we lived across the street from one another in this small, predominantly-Mormon village.  Though a Lutheran Pastor, Terry was open to any kind of authentic wisdom and truth teaching. Though he always kept his Bible close at hand, Terry was not put off by my fascination with the spiritual teachings of the East, nor my status as the local hatha yoga teacher.

Awakening to the deepest truth came in waves of ecstasy when I began to surrender my petty problems, repetitious thoughts, and need for approval. Any time I felt ill at ease, I would inquire: “What am I, really.” Then, naturally, I would return to the true Christ, falling into that ever available and vast spaciousness. All I did was turn within, become still, patiently sit and yearn with a longing heart.

No one is turned away from the Divine Table; only they must be sincere.

I grew up skeptical of religion. Still, Jesus Christ intrigued and at times awed me. Like a tiny kindling fire, fed only tinder, this intrigue and awe has grown into a massive inner fire, fueled by an authentic love of truth.

I’ve always felt that churches put a wall between you and the true Christ. I wanted to be a genuine devotee, a true disciple of Christ, nestled up close at His Table (the divine spaciousness). I felt a yearning to be so close that I could literally take the Bread from His Hand, be moved to tears via the Eternal Sparkle in his Eyes and Elevated by the Soulful-Grandeur of His Presence.

Direct experience of Christ was the only option. Doctrinal readings and other religious rituals felt hollow and without real substance. Talk of satan, wickedness and evil made no sense to me, until I realized that these words were really referring to aspects of egoity, the narrow and distorted viewpoint when one does not see the Eternal and Real but instead becomes lost in worldly life-that which comes and goes.

I wanted to touch Eternal Life and know it as Absolute Truth. I was not after a long distance relationship; I wanted to whisper into Christ’s Ear and have Him hold my heart in His Enduring Embrace.

Ramana Maharshi, the spiritual luminary I have written about at times, was once asked about the Bible and Christianity. He said:

“‘Be still and know that I AM God’. This is the essence of the Bible.” He further elucidated: “Here stillness is total surrender without a vestige of personality. If personality goes, God is found to shine forth pure. ”

And Yogananda, a true lover of Christ came to America to, as he said, “bring a special dispensation of the scriptures” – and promote the one Reality behind all the world’s religions. He had a specific focus on Christianity when he arrived in America in 1920. In one of the last talks given before his passing, at an all day Christmas meditation in 1951, he said with immense spiritual fervor:

“The Heavenly Father gave us the great example of Christ, who had all the powers in the world and still he refused to except his body as Reality. That’s why he said: ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do…’ (Christ clearly realized that those, Pharisees and Romans, who had sent him to die on the cross were lost in egoity and delusion).

“…They are just playing a part. Even if they destroy this body (via crucifixion) ‘I’ (my true Soul nature as the Eternal Christ) cannot depart. That’s what Jesus realized. He became Christ. ‘I and my Father are one’. That’s what we all must realize…”

For as Jesus Christ said in Luke 22:19: “And when He had taken some bread and given thanks, He broke it and gave it to them, saying, ‘This is My body which is given for you; do this in remembrance of Me.'”

What is the true remembrance of Jesus Christ?

It is turning your attention inward to Christ, for you won’t find him out there somewhere in the world, in all the materialism.  You won’t find Him in the gaining of wealth or fame, etc.

You find Him by tuning into the quiet, deep Self, the Soul. It is here that you will find Him and find that HE has always been here, available and patiently waiting for us to want to be with Him.

When you eat His Bread, you become one with Christ. When you seek Christ and ingest Him, then there is true communion.  His invitation is eternal but we must accept the invitation, for when we do, our True Home is found. Our Soul merges into Him, dissolving all sense of being a separate individual and releasing us from suffering.

So, I find myself residing at Christ’s Table, abiding and tasting the everlasting communion. For we are never separate from Christ.

His Bread is the divine presence, the intimate oneness that resides in all hearts.

Hopes & Dreams…

Soon, God-willing, my dear friend will be out of jail, after some 7 months (I wrote about ‘the Farm’ where she is staying in an earlier blog). If the judge gives the approval in two weeks she will be free, released to a sober living facility-ideally in the Santa Cruz area.

In a recent letter, my soon to be unincarcerated friend, noted:

“What are your hopes & dreams these days…?” Then she added her simple wishes:

“Me…Fresh air, walking under the Sun, rain or wind -clean sheets, veggies.”

I turned to reflection:

A) If the bodily health stays as it is currently, which is a few magic wand swipes shy of vital:

‘A non-toxic 2- bedroom cottage in a quiet, nature-strewn area (so my wife and I, separated physically for some years, ie-living apart) can live together again in order to more fully support one another…or a long meditation retreat of 3-6 months…’ Either way, I would have a spiritually supportive and nature nurturing environment in which to spend my final year.

B) If a miraculous turn transpires via the Almighty Hand, a Christly rebirth, ala Lazarus, an angelic intercession, or via a sagely glance:

‘I would still like a place to live with my wife, as stated and also with my newly begotten life energy, I would share my heart and new vitality by offering end of life meditation retreats for those in their last months or year of life and retreats also for those that are caregivers, family and friends of the those with life-threatening prognosis, the chronically ill or dying-for which I am duly qualified.

And, a few long nature hikes would be nice too! :)-

Ultimately, I wish for a deeper and deeper ease with all that IS. A profound surrender that enables me to meet whatever the MAKER unfolds with equal parts love, wisdom, truth, courage and equanimity.

For none of us knows what Divine Script, destiny or as they say in the East-prarabdha karma- is in store for us.  The sages of the East (like Jesus) call prarabdha: “…the arrow which has already left the bow, which cannot return, which must hit the target…”

We all have challenges from this unfolding of destiny, the Divine Script, the arrow in motion…yet at the deepest level, if we trust the MAKER and surrender deeply, all will turn out just fine, whether one lives or dies.

Christmas continues…

I found myself up at 4 am, tired but refreshed in spirit after a lovely Christmas at my mom’s place. She put incredible, loved-infused energy into Christmas. One of the great touches she added, which struck chords in all hearts that were present, entailed a small Christmas gift of perhaps 5 dollars. These small gifts were used in a game, wherein whoever picked a certain gift would have to decided ‘who the gift was for’. And each gift, in a beautiful way, acknowledged and honored everyone for a particular defining and shining attribute or ability they embodied, including herself.

I arrived at my client’s place, Lloyd and Sue, after an easy drive back to my place for an additional 2 hours sleep before work.

And yesterday, I was suppose to be there for some reason. Sue had offered me a paid day off last week but I could not accept it. Something inside said, ‘no, I will come’.

The true Caregiver was there in my stead. Always the True Christ is there, eternally playing all the parts, of course… but on this day with the Real Residue of the great day so perceptible, seeing the True Magician was obvious. The True Healer inside myself, inside us all, was there, manifesting the best qualities, playing as stillness, grace, tenderness, patience, kindness and love–a Primordial Loving Energy that eternally and effortlessly does all.

The day after Christmas often is a relief but also a collapse. In this case, the day after Christmas was one of those gentle, soft, subtly-emotional days. Sue was craving  more Christ…and she got IT, though not in the way her mind probably imagined. She was telling me about the lack of Christmas magic which took place on a visit to some relatives a couple hours drive away, shedding tears several times from exhaustive caregiving and seeing the obvious decline of her husband on full display. Remembering sweet episodes from her 40+ years of marriage, looking at pictures from 10 years ago, of how vital he once was, wishing for a return to some distant memory.

Yet Lloyd is crumbling before her eyes: mentally confused, dizzy spells, inability to see or her well, hallucinations (like there is something on his fingers that he keeps trying to take off) and a recent fall two days ago wherein he hurt his lower back and wrist. while trying to get to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Sue tries so hard to be everything for everybody but herself. Many of us know this aspect of  the journey well or are living it right now. For Sue, even days off are not an off day in terms of caregiving for Lloyd. She must get him up, change his depends often multiple times at night, clean sheets daily, shower him, and make him breakfast…and on it goes.

And when Sue does have some down time, she fills every last vestige of space with filler activities, in an attempt to ward off feelings related to the inevitable end of her husband’s form. In truth she needs to rest and care for her deeper, inner needs and surrender more deeply to God’s grace, let her helpers do more and REALIZE that she is ENOUGH.

Lloyd and I did manage to get outside and amazingly he was able to use her walker for a short bit. (He is mostly wheelchair bound now). We picked the last of this years persimmon crop and admired the coming orange harvest, which is the best ever-in over 3 decades.

Later in the day, after a long nap, Lloyd suddenly groaned sharply, as if in pain or having taken a fall. I had been sitting on the floor leaning against his bed meditating for the almost entire 90 minutes but had gotten up to discuss something with Sue in the other room when a a loud moan and cry emitted from Lloyd.

I found myself striding quickly into his room, Sue dashing behind right on my heels. The first thing Lloyd says is:

“It won’t stop!” He was scared. He was referring to his wrist, which I noticed in spasm, so without thinking, I took his wrist into my hands, cradling them in a warm embrace. Then both Sue and I talked tender words to Lloyd.

“It’s okay Lloyd, we’re here now.” I said.

Sue said: “We’ll go see the doctor tomorrow.”  I continued to hold his wrist in a soft but strong embrace. The spasm calmed quickly. Afterward, Lloyd said that he felt some kind of healing energy was here. Sue agreed.

Once again, Christ, working the hidden magic behind the scenes.



This is not the best Christmas time story but alas most of you know that political correctness goes out the window with me. Though I do wish everyone a Merry Christmas. The word Christ mas, means: More Christ, more Consciousness, more Awareness.

So I wish this for ALL!

It is a good thing this whole PLAY is God sporting with HIMSELF or HERSELF–take your pick. In India they call this earthly dance- Lila or the Divine Play.

So I went over to play with and give my regular maintenance doggie acupressure/follow up treatment to Mac yesterday. He has been doing really well for a couple of months after his original Trifexis poisoning saga (which I wrote about in a previous blog).

Well, Peggy, his mama, was stressed out right away and began to weave the latest spin on the tale. She took Mac in for his annual Bordetella vaccination (kennel cough prevention- so they say). In the 5 days since and almost immediately after said vaccination, Mac began to get diarrhea and had vomiting as well, having lost 4 pounds in 5 days.

The truth is: the kennel cough vaccine is not needed, doesn’t work and the disease it is intended to prevent is not even serious!!

As I am thinking- ‘why did you give him this vaccine at all’, she answers my thought:

“Can’t go to Bed and Biscuit (his sometimes doggie day care) without this vaccine.” (Any kind of pet facility requires that all dog’s have this vaccine -2 others as well: Rabies and Distemper).

I am trusting that Mac will recover but…

Does this ring any bells? Can’t get your kid into public school without vaccinations; can’t get your dog into a daycare center without vaccinations. Most people have been bamboozled by conditioning and lies for so long they still line up for their vaccines and free flu shots–with ’10 percent off your shopping’ while you get injected nonsense.

What amazes me is that the documentary Vaxxed, sound and irrefutable, emotionally moving, scientific-based and full of actual case histories- can be buried and watched by only a tiny fraction of the populace and that the entire vaccination hogwash did not crumble.

For Vaxxed-the documentary–destroys the CDC and pharmaceutical industry (a primary funding agent of the CDC–talk about conflict of interest!) These pharmaceutical companies are filled with greed, and have no moral compass. They are set up to ensure that billions of dollars are made while sickening people in the name of disease protection. Immune systems are lowered by the vaccines and people get sick right away or down the line depending on how they are genetically wired. Either way, the vaccine makers are immune from any kind of culpability.

People and dogs get sick and then go to the doctor or Vet to GET MORE MEDICATIONS–to treat the symptoms created by the last one! Can anyone say, mouse on the wheel!

Only this is not a benign mouse wheel, real lives are being destroyed.

For those that have not seen VAXXED-the documentary, the vaccine schedule has risen in the last 55 years:


If you watch Vaxxed, you will see why the major jump happened with the introduction of the autism-causing MMR vaccine (which is responsible for many other neurological diseases as well) a primary culprit.  Mercury, aluminum, green monkey kidney cells, formaldehyde, MSG, and many other toxic ingredients are in our so-called disease-protecting vaccines!



The ‘Dwarf’ Poinsettia…

Yesterday, I showed up at my  EOL client, Lloyd’s place, right on 7:15 am. Usually I start work at 10 am. Sue, Lloyd’s wife had a church luncheon/benefit that she had arranged. I would be with Lloyd for the longest ever, 10 hours.

Lloyd is still able to function vertically about half time. Every expenditure of energy, like walker use outside in his beloved orchard comes with a stiff payment, that is, he staggers slowly on the return trip, collapsing like a rag doll into my arms as I guide him into near-instant sleep in his Lazyboy chair.

More than his physical limitation, there is an increasing mental decline in many areas, not the least which is Parkinson’s-related dementia, lack of adequate night time sleep from urinary frequency and incontinence. Lloyd has declined steadily in the last 2 months.

He passed out 5 times while eating breakfast, during this visit. The last breakfast sleep episode happened while I was there. Mid oatmeal spoonful, drool and oatmeal grits in his mouth and on his shirt; ensure drink in motion through the straw, dropped on pants –covering the floor.

Sue was not monitoring him while he ate but was rushing about trying to get organized and ready to go to the church event.

A large portion of the active part of our day was spent gathering persimmons in the orchard and fixing an older Nikon Coolpix camera that had not been used in years. Lloyd was willfully not allowing any kind of help. He spent 2 hours working on this camera. Finally, he allowed me to help and I put in a new battery and the camera worked.

Still barely able to walk using his walker, Lloyd must now submit about half the time to wheelchair assistance. He is sleeping more, too. When awake, he is having hallucinations. He said, rather nonchalantly, during the afternoon:

“You see that flower right there, on the table?” Lloyd points to a beautiful red Poinsettia.

“That is a dwarf.”

“Really!” I smile. “And is he a kind dwarf?”

“Yes, he is quite passive.”

“Well, that’s good.”I chuckle.

Lloyd smiles-as close to a laugh as it gets for him.

Really the dwarf- symbology is a great way to navigate the surrendering/willfulness game that often takes place at the end of life. The dissolution of willfulness and eventual forced-into-surrender dynamic can be a really tough challenge.

I see this as one of the great cosmic dances happening with Lloyd. He is quite a stubborn and willful man, not very conscious or spiritually mature, quite going about almost his entire life with the mistaken belief that he is an individual with free will, with an inherent ability to push through any obstacle.

Not unlike most of humanity.

I don’t say this to him but in truth, come on:

“Do you really think that free will has allowed you to do whatever you want until the very itsy-bitsy end of life, when you finally lose all free will and control and choice and death comes…”

There was never any free will.  All is God’s Will. Absolute Will.

The mind only usurps Absolute Will and claims it as ‘mine’: ‘I did that’–always after the fact – while forgetting all the things of each day that did not happen according to the idea of individual control and willfulness.

Lloyd brings up these ‘hallucinations’, because he now realizes that he is the only one who sees them. I cannot even tell him they are hallucinations.

What do I know, maybe he does see an angelic apparition appearing as a dwarf because the veil between normal waking consciousness is lifted. He may be having interludes of visitations from all kinds of formless beings and energies. I have seen this before with many of my end of life clients.


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