I’ve written a lot about my father since he was first diagnosed with cancer in 2013. My dad was and is one of those beings that transmitted his heart effortlessly. He also helped people in need.
I see now where becoming a healer began. I wanted to experience the joy my father spread to so many. In a certain way, I was a natural healer and becoming a ‘healer’ was an unconscious attempt to heal myself. In fact, on a trip to Thailand while learning Thai massage in 2005, the Master teacher-healer told me, “you already know how to heal others, you are here to heal yourself….”
Whenever I write about my father, I feel him viscerally and tears often well up in my eyes.
As a young boy, I was there to witness the power of my father’s giving, often participating like a fledgling apprentice. My dad would stand in the icy cold mud, chainsaw in hand and help a neighbor clear his driveway from a landslide, then later pour a cement walkway for him with his own concrete mixer. Later in the day, he would administer fine craftsmanship by smoothing over the settling material before the cement hardened.
When the work was complete, food and drinks would be shared, and I would watch with keen interest the conversations and energies of the adults around me. There was relief and joy and camaraderie that comes when a group bonds over a shared project. Often, as we got in the car, I’d glance out the window one last time just to see the elation in our neighbor’s eyes or witness one of my father’s friends sending us off with one last wave of gratitude. After these long days of selfless labor, the car would grow quiet for a minute and glancing up I would see my father’s eyes, a bit weary but full of a soulful contentment. Then I’d realize why we came.
Yet, when my father needed help, at times he would be reluctant to receive it. I always sensed that his inability to receive stemmed from some kind of unworthiness pattern related to poverty and childhood traumas and subsequent beliefs that he was an illegitimate child, born into his biological father’s hidden, ‘second family’. My father said many times over the years, in various settings, “I was a bastard child.” I never knew why my dad internalized this bastard-child belief so deeply. It might have been that he took on some trauma from his own father as a young boy (his father died when he was six) or he
was shamed by some of his relatives or friends. All I knew as a young boy was that deep down I could feel his pain as my own and wanted to help my dad to heal.
At some level deep inside myself, I always knew that I would have to help heal this ancestral trauma-pain pattern through my own direct experience.
In these last months, I have seen myself suddenly thrust into my greatest wish and my father’s deepest fear and the Universal Goodness of God has demanded once again, through loss of health, vitality and now job-income and home, to bow down and surrender the heartful-giver which has insulated me so well from becoming the grateful receiver. The Lord is keeping this body alive as long as needed and for now the mantra “Receive, Receive, Receive” is reverberating. Spirit is asking this heart to fully take in all offerings.
A few family members have been incredibly supportive in many ways over the last months but intuitively I felt that help had to come from outside the traditional biological family group.
In the last month, an east Indian couple I had never met, saw an email I wrote asking for help with housing. They simply said, “we can easily give you 2,000.00.” Shortly after this a friend, who I had not talked to in a couple of years offered over the phone, unasked, to pay my way for an End of Life Caregiver Retreat.
In both instances, I felt my father spring forth from the deep ether and experience a healing from the Soul Sphere. He put his arm around me, just like he always did, and said. “Thank You Son!”
The truth is through the profound gifts of fully receiving, I feel myself being released into new life and maybe even a new vitality, releasing another layer from an old chronic illness.
It is no exaggeration to note that the restoration received through the ancestral healing has revitalized my system much as if given a 1000 dollar, 10-pass ozone treatment. Will it last? Yes, for true healing has nothing to do the body’s changing levels of vitality and is really about the Universal. I have been baffled that a more systemic and full recovery has not been made over the last 11 years through all of my immense efforts on the journey towards wellness restoration on the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual levels. Yet, all the deep work has had powerful affect, though I might not see it tangibly in the form of sustained and increased vitality of the body or through the ending of various physical symptoms.
I am only remotely familiar with the Family Constellation of Bert Hellinger (a kind of ancestral healing system), having never studied it but now through the Great Mystery, I am living it.
Family Constellation is the lifework of Bert Hellinger, a psychotherapist of sorts who spent about 50 years treating and studying families in crisis and noticed unconscious familial patterns taken on generation to generation and causing “patterns of anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, aloneness, alcoholism and even illness as a way of “belonging” in our families.” He said, “bonded by a deep love, a child will often sacrifice his own best interests in a vain attempt to ease the suffering of a parent or other family member.”
What Hellinger “rediscovered” is what in the India they call a vasana, a kind of subconscious force that effects a person. Vasanas include all of our latent tendencies of mind, including habits, patterns of thought formation, mental imprints, developmental failures, childhood psychic injury, karmic residues or impressions. The spiritual Masters would always say our purpose is to permanently eradicate and scorch all of our vasanas in order to recover our inherent freedom and union with God. In fact, it has been said that vasanas are the obstruction to the knowledge of our divinity and removing them is one of the most urgent tasks in one’s life.
In healing deep ancestral pain and trauma we not only free ourselves but release generations of relatives, even if they have passed into the great beyond. And ultimately this compassion spreads to all beings on earth.