In the last 8 years, I’ve experienced my share of debilitating health episodes. Like a TV movie on rerun, they never seem to completely resolve, from: headaches, blurred vision, vomiting, brain fog, severe fatigue (not tiredness, tiredness is fine, take it any day), ringing in the ears (tinnitus), nausea, constipation, bloating, belching, inner-shaking insomnia and rectal itching.
But who really cares?! I am not speaking from an egoic indifference (a restless, disturbed state of mind and usually tied to projection) but spiritual inquiry. Who is this “I” to care? Awareness here doesn’t concern Itself with fleeting bodily symptoms, It knows Itself as Pure Consciousness. Pure Consciousness is the real body, not this one we call: Michael. And realizing this through inquiry allows me to return to the bliss of simple being, the presence which does not come and go.
I wrote a book about this journey called: From Illness to Stillness: Uncovering Your Innermost Being. In the 18 months since the book came out, several periods of health intensity have arisen – each a few months long. More treatments ensued, which I’ve written about on this blog but always of utmost importance: a deeper and deeper Surrender to the Divine Mystery.
On this pilgrimage, I’ve seen ever more clearly the distinction between faith and hope.
I no longer play in the field of hope. I hope no more!
Because hope comes from non-acceptance of reality, from displeasure and pain. Hope is pure fantasy, a wishing game of the mind. Hope is disguised wanting and very complex. When we hope, this individual persona or sense of separate identity – (which doesn’t exist except in fleeting and transparent thought) – begins to want something different than what is truly and actually unfolding in the moment.
So I am not hoping for a cure of whatever it is that humbles this body. I am not hoping that some how this new Ayurvedic Program with the Castor oil-apple juice -which I referenced in the last blog entry has permanently chased away all the toxins. Besides it seems that the ‘Thing’ left behind his Sumo-Wrestling Uncle, all 300 pounds of him. And he was quite pissed this morning.
No I am not hoping the new parasites herbs, constitutional formula, vata-reducing diet or evening triphala will restore me to optimal health and functioning. Because the truth is my old version of optimal physical vitality was not true health.
I have faith that whatever experience happens, it is leading to a deeper Surrender, a more loving expression, a more tender, all-embracing heart. This is intimacy with the Supreme. Falling into That is the only reason I am here playing this part in the Earth dream.
True faith is very simple: Surrender to what is. Knowing deeply that Divine Will, the Supreme Holy Mother-Heavenly Father, is guiding everything and that no matter what is appearing: ALL IS WELL.
This kind of true faith is also real prayer.
Millions starving in Somalia, hurricane kills thousands in Sumatra, you win the lottery, Benji the neighbor dog who sneaks in to your house through the cat door has bad gas-ALL GOOD.
Trump is in the Oval office. You have a severe migraine, are paralyzed from the waste down and have dementia. The wife kisses you tenderly on the cheek and then tells you take out the garbage. ALL FINE.
That is faith.
Faith is not a ‘doing’. Faith emanates from ‘being’ -from our Essential Nature. Being asks for nothing, it is already full.
Hope leads to suffering, and comes from suffering, like a mouse running on a wheel.
Faith is humility and grace. It is intimately tied to freedom and the best friend of Peace.
*Addition: I was told that I ‘badmouthed’ hope in this blog. Remember, hope is just another name name for ‘wanting’.