It’s been awhile since my last blog. The last months have been a blur, like many of the months in the last 8 years. They call it chronic illness but I don’t believe in that moniker any more. I am now convinced that God-zilla has been playing stand in for God Himself. Think of Godzilla as a devilish, adopted 3rd cousin of the Almighty. And just to be an asshole, he has injected ‘the Thing’ into me. Not the ‘Thing’ from the Adam’s family, no this ‘Thing’ is from the 1982 Kurt Russell film. You know, the one where this creature assumes the shape of animals and humans but deep down inside is a brilliant, ferocious green blob.
Well, the bastard-thing has been inside me these last months. Today he came out. This is life with so-called Lyme, 20- year parasites and who knows what else?! I can’t say he came out by choice. No, I drank castor oil and apple juice. Apparently castor oil is his Kryptonite. Who knew?! Anyway, the castor oil chased him from my liver to the gall bladder and then into the small intestinal tract. That was yesterday. Last night he stealthly entered by large intestine, which had been cleaned through numerous water enema and finally a hydrogen peroxide enema. Today he decided, while I was driving on a mountainous backroad high up on Empire Grade Road, to suddenly run for the hills. I was forced to drive to the closest hillside neighborhood. The bowels were in full eruption mode. Every known kegel exercise was used as I skidded the car to the side. The Thing wanted out. No arguments here, just wishing a little notice would have been given. I hopped out and immediately began removing my pants as I hopped to the trees and shrubs. Two neighborhood dogs, quite visible were barking wildly and I am pretty sure I saw a woman through her kitchen window calling the cops. I would have called the National Guard. When the blob landed, it was a mixture of godzilla-green mush. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen. I pulled my pants up and ran. I dived into the car as the dogs jumped up and down along the fence line. As the car accelerated away into a fishtail, I reached down to touch my abdomen to make sure it was still there.
It was just another Wednesday. I called 911 the other night because a power pole crashed and exploded and started an electrical fire at 4:30 in the morning. Glad is was raining or else I might not be here. I hope God decides to come to work tomorrow.
I apologize to any new blog-readers. My entries can sometimes be a bit off the chart. No harm ever intended. This is the closest you will get to a retraction :).