Like millions of Americans, I am looking for more work. My latest idea came scratching through via one of my two clients (both of them are in their lates 80’s and nearing death). Muriel 88 years old called me to cancel our massage:
“Michael.” She said. “I can’t see you today an old friend is coming to visit. He worked for the Hemlock Society.” Can you believe that, I was usurped for a guy who is providing assisted suicide guidance?! Well, not to be deterred so easily, I got to thinking—‘maybe I can get a job at the Hemlock Society? So instead of whining about lost $, I got busy working on the 117th version of my resume. Believe me I have stretched my trades, gifts and schooling as far as humanly possible. I even tried to work as Coastside Doggie Masseur. The introductory paragraphs of my latest resume are quite captivating:
I know death; I know dying! I can help those at the end of their rope, the people wallowing in self-pity, anyone wanting to give up the ghost and all of that- these people, your people, all people.
Truly I can help. I die and am reborn daily. In the last few years, death has been happening even more often. One moment I am alive, the next moment I am dead. Fortunately the ‘I am’ part remains. (Whew, otherwise I would not be able to help your clientele). Like Jesus before me I am not an advocate for crucifixion. I’ve tried it. For years I murderously crucified myself. My mind bashed my mind –over and over relentlessly. I have scars from the stake marks to prove it. And of course, as I have already mentioned: later I was reborn. So I am either just like Jesus or a psychosomatic hypochondriac. Either way, with me on your team, you win.
It was a profound resume, one of my best, but it was returned unread, hell it was unopened. Apparently the Hemlock Society had passed away. There was no forwarding address on the envelope. But there etched in a diabolical, hand-written letters, by an obviously psychotic postman, was a eulogy for me. It read:
“Whatever is destined not to happen will not happen try as you may…”.
I would have preferred a simple: Return to Sender.